PIMO at 60
I am sixty years old, Physically In, Mentally Out. It is very difficult to know where to even start.
I have been having doubts for some time now, for many of the same reasons as you. The "any day now" promises never come.
When the "Generation Change" came out I was rather upset and just could not wrap my brain around it no matter how many times I read or listened to the explanation. When Brother Splane tried to explain it clearly using a whiteboard and others said they understood it, I thought I was losing any favor with Jehovah because I just couldn't comprehend it. It just DOES NOT MAKE SENSE to me. Then when Brother Splane was adamant about "JUST DO THE MATH", I couldn't help but think........Does that mean YOU "DIDN'T DO THE MATH" yourself, in the past, regarding....1914, 1918, 1925, 1975 etc.? Why would God allow you to give inaccurate information.
Here are a few but not all the things I'm confused about and don't understand:
- Pedophiles / ARC / Seeing with my own eyes Jeffrey Jackson's testimony / 2 Witness Rule
- New Light
- Costs for Circuit Assemblies. How do we start at a deficit before first session even starts? How is it possible that it costs over $10,000 for use of the Hall for a weekend? They OWN the Hall, we do not RENT the Hall.
- Where is all the money going?
- Having to REPORT your time.
- Being talked down to on Broadcasts as if we are 5 years old. One of the recent Broadcasts told us that to keep unity amongst us, if we were told to paint a Kingdom Hall using 2 inch brushes....we are to do it.
- The instructions about being asked to do something that perhaps makes no sense at all. (We should do it!)
To say the least, I am absolutely sick and disgusted, feeling betrayed, feeling robbed of my life. Having given my entire life to this organization only to find out it's possibly all a huge lie.
I was baptised at 10! I will be 60 soon. What do I have left? If I'm lucky I'll make it to 70.... so hypothetically I have 10 years and in what kind of health or energy? My heart is hurting so badly and it feels like it's carrying a million pounds of regret. The hours and hours and hours wasted. It's not easy being in the truth. My husband and I married as teenagers. The end was "SO CLOSE", always "SO CLOSE". You have no time for anything but furthering the "Good News". You can't get an education or strive for a well paying job to provide sufficiently for your family. (You only need the bare necessities). You don't plan for your future needs. I can go on and on but I know you know exactly what I'm speaking of.
Having applied all the aforementioned way of life, at 60 years of age we now find ourselves without a home, without a pension, without annuities, without investments or savings accounts for our later years. We have NOTHING. Being self employed our entire life we didn't pay into these, nor had we the choice.....Why would we need them......the end is "SO CLOSE"? What a predicament. My husband has been a contractor his entire life. His body is breaking down. I don't know how much longer he can work at his current capacity. I'm stressed and we continually discuss this. He says he will have to work until he dies....but not to worry, the end is "SO CLOSE."
The cost of living where I am is high.Because we didn't buy a house, it's "SO CLOSE", we find ourselves having to rent. At our age medical costs are high, health insurance is high, taxes are high, as is car insurance and other needs, but don't worry about one's means of life....we are "SO CLOSE".
People sold their homes etc. anticipating 1975 to give all efforts to preaching. These poor Brothers and Sisters having to live their old age on minimal means because we are STILL here.
Where I find myself is in a very difficult situation and I desperately need advice. We have been active JW's our entire life. My husband (born in "the truth") is still very active and believes with his whole heart this is the only True Religion. He is very faithful to the organization in every aspect, as are our families.
My husband sees that I'm questioning things (like not understanding the generation/shunning and how God's Holy Spirit is used for some and not others. All the suffering that continues....for what? Hasn't Jehovah yet proved his point to satan?) I told him I need to do some deep research so I can answer questions for myself without having others tell me what I'm to believe. He tells me things such as "I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have/know the truth". The Truth is his EVERYTHING. If his belief system is lost, the result will be devastating to him. He will lose everything, his friends, his family, his whole world and belief system, he would be left with nothing but heartache. My husband can tell I have doubts, but says I can't give up now, as it would have all been a big waste. He thinks we just need to wait on Jehovah (I have been waiting for 60 years).
He KNOWS it's the true religion for all the standard reasons we have been told, "because":
- We are the only ones who use Jehovah's name.
- We are the only ones who do the preaching work worldwide.
- We are the only ones who do not go to war.
- We are the only ones who show TRUE love for or brothers.
- We are the only ones being persecuted.
- We are the only ones God has his spirit and approval on
- We are the only ones who do not forsake meeting with one another.
- We are the only ones who respect the sanctity of blood.
- We are the only ones who will sacrifice their life to remain faithful.
I heard about the Australian Royal Commission and the pedophiles and cover up. As I already had been on the doubt wagon I looked it up and seeing the live testimony of a Governing Body member floored me. I was upset and told my husband about it.
His answer to Jackson lying; "Well that's on him."
What about all the cover up? He didn't seem phased at all. I said I was upset that we for years put down other religions for their pedophilia and yet here we are, doing the same. He said....well, the policies are changing. Like it's no big deal! If that's not a light bulb going off, about lying to the Royal Commission I don't know that anything will phase my husband. He said we are a perfect Organization run by Imperfect people.
I'm such a mess. I have problems on all levels. My parents are old, and believe all this pain, humble, simple life we have endured will be worth the coming blessings in the upcoming life in the paradise. How can I fade away and break their hearts? They had lousy lives and are always looking forward to a better time. I can't tell them my doubts. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. If it's the TRUTH and I fall out, I'm going to die If it's not and I go along with it, I'm condoning it and living a lie. The end result for either choice is a bad one.
I'm so distraught.
Originally published Aug 2020
Paul Grundy 2005 - 2021