Emotions Being Shunned.

R…1
It felt like they cut my arms and legs off and then told me to run. I felt ashamed, isolated, I felt suicidal.

When you’re shunned you are expected to have none of the support, but have conduct better than any pioneer or elder.

Hurt? Betrayal? I felt misjudged and taken advantage of, thrown away like garbage. and my autism was used against me as a way to discredit me and make me out as hysterical.

a…d
I faded, so while I'm soft-shunned by JWs, I'm not shunned by my family. But I've lived with the threat of it for over a decade thinking that at any moment the axe could drop and my family would cut me off. For years I was in a constant cycle of needless, pointless, unnecessary anxiety in anticipation of this happening and getting cut off for good.

The emotional trauma of losing my community when I was in my early twenties had lasting effect. At a time in my life when I should have been figuring out who I was, what I had to offer, how I could contribute to life and build a life, I was instead embroiled in a constant state of emotional trauma. When things seemed like they were getting better, my family would do something to kick it all back up again. I felt like I could never just relax, because if I let my guard down that's when they'd lay on the emotional guilt and manipulation. In retrospect, I should have been better at setting boundaries. But I didn't know I had that option. I thought I had to just take it. And that's all I ever did, take it. Because if I spoke up, if I said anything, if I cleared the air, I'd risk that they'd cut me off for good if they knew how I really felt. It's hard to explain but it's been a long, strange process of getting to a place where I feel okay being misunderstood.

I have a lot of residual depression and anxiety that while it has gotten a lot better will probably keep cropping up from time to time for the rest of my life. I have to constantly combat a feeling of deep unworthiness. When I left, character judgements were hurled at me over and over again based on nothing other than no longer being part of the religion - selfish, self-centered, uncaring, a bad example for others, something to be ashamed of. Even though intellectually I know those things aren't true, they were told to me by the people who are supposed to care more about me than anyone, so the imprint is deep.

I was also told repeatedly that my life would fall apart. Now I struggle with feeling the need to constantly prove myself, keep it together, save face, never do anything that could be perceived as a "mistake" in order to avoid fulfilling their prophesy. All of this in place of normal growing pains and a healthy view of failure. It's held me back. I've played it safe and avoided risks in order to avoid messing up.

h…2
Your brain gets emotionally damaged when you see people out and about who used to be like family all of a sudden act like you don’t exist.

K…7
As if you died and have not been buried.

g…s
A year later I am still devastated. I was in disbelief when it happened.

The elders telling me they had decided to disfellowship me almost felt like the moment you'd get a grim medical diagnosis. It doesn't register. You don't know how to process it. Suddenly your life is completely changed. You know that your friends and family will no longer talk to you. They will not even look you in the eye and greet you. The elders knew I was in recovery from addiction and going through a divorce and they took away the very thing I needed the most -connection and support. I was disfellowshipped for vaping nicotine which I took to after quitting drinking. Not great I know but, yeah. Being treated like I am dead was the consequence. I am still very depressed and insecure about what my life is now. Thank you for doing this and I hope people are helped by your article.

S…8
You know they will shun but you are never quite prepared for what that will mean. I get sad sometimes but mainly I am relieved from the burden of trying to please these people and losing.

b…s
I can understand that people I used to view as my closest friends will now refuse to talk to me or answer my messages, but when it actually happens, there is a sharp sting of emotional pain.

After a while this pain gives way to incredulity. I cannot believe that these people, my closest friends and even my parents, will treat me this way. They used to be so warm and loving towards me, yet now they treat me like they hate me. Why? Because I am honest with them that I don't share their beliefs in matters that are invisible or that were written thousands of years ago. Is life really so ridiculous and cruel?

Then the astonishment is replaced by deep sadness, to realise that they are not actively consenting to behave like this. They are not making a free choice and they are likely in pain also as a result of their own actions but they don't realise the true cause.

Add to this the realisation that there is very little I can do to fix it. I can only grieve for them and move on with my life, grateful that I am now free of that poisonous ideology and waiting for them if they ever change their minds. I am more empathetic towards the suffering of others of all backgrounds and am determined to help where I can.

d…n
I was disfellowshipped 2006 to 2009 for apostasy. Suffered from suicidal ideation as a result of the shame I felt but didn't act in it. I was reinstated in 2009 for the sake of family but disfellowshipped again in 2019. This time I lost everything in the way of family, friends, job, home etc. Attempted suicide in January 2020 (overdose), several attempts at hanging in March/April 2020, and another attempted overdose in June 2020. I shouldn't be alive but somehow I am, and life is now great. I have moved from the UK to Australia for a new life with the person I love, and despite all the pain in the past I wouldn't change a thing. I'm now in a position to help others going through the same trauma. Hope this information helps with your research.

m…8
I really can’t explain it very well. It’s just so unnatural that it doesn’t compute. Like I knew I was going to be shunned but you really can’t prepare yourself for that until you’re going through it. It’s one of the most awful human experiences that no one should ever have to go through. I find it remarkable I didn’t commit suicide when i was in the thick of it.

In the Kingdom Hall, being disfellowshipped made me feel like a dirty leper. Despite getting to meetings right as they started, and sitting towards the back, I would still end up crossing paths with people. They would see me and turn their head. Turn their body to not be faced in my direction. I had people move seats because I was sitting in the same row as them. I’ll NEVER forget the time that I actually was sharing a row with someone, several seats divided us. That person raised their hand to give a comment during the meeting. The person running mics went to hand me the mic to pass (I was sitting on the aisle seat adjacent to the middle of the hall) and when they realized it was me they snatched the mic out of my hand, awkwardly walked all the way to the back of the hall and then back down, around all of the seats so he could directly hand the mic to the person. It was a long, awkward pause for everyone. That feeling was so awful.

Socially, being disfellowshipped feels like being a weird ghost. People see you out and pretend you’re not there. Sometimes I’d want to shout at someone at the grocery store like “helloooo I’m still here! You can at least acknowledge that our paths crossed!” Like I never realized how awful it was to not get something as simple as a head nod or slight smile when you pass someone at the store. You do those things for strangers!

And the worst feeling of all was realizing you were treated worse than being dead. It was like people removed your existence from their knowledge until you got reinstated. Multiple times I saw people post throwbacks on social media of events that I was at, and I was just cut off. I’ll never forget one time my own sister posted a picture with three of her bridesmaids (I was the fourth and maid of honor). She wrote a caption saying something along the lines of “first time I’ve had all my bridesmaids together again!!” Like what about me?! That’s not a true statement! Even if I was actually dead, that still means you wouldn’t have all your bridesmaids together! It’s been 8 years since that moment and it still stings.

Ironically, I got reinstated and then 4 years later, married someone who was disfellowshipped. I did a hard fade so no judicial action was taken against me. But now sometimes I’m treated as disfellowshipped by proxy. I just had someone who wanted to hire me as a wedding vendor, ask if I had other staff I could send in my place, because my presence could be a stumbling block.Overall, being disfellowshipped made me depressed, feelings of worthlessness, and suicidal. I went to the hospital once for self harm. It’s a form of cruel and unusual torture.

Life is so much better now.

7…s
Having a person move seats to get away happened to me, the sting was so sharp I could barely believe it was happening like my perceived sin was going to rub off somehow!

S…4
Humiliation

U…7
Relief, freedom, joy, hope, anticipation and calm. All these went through my head as I walked back from my Judicial hearing whilst listening to Queens 'I want to break free'.

R...I
Confusion and despair because I went to elders asking for help and they made me feel worthless. …

Grieving lost family and friends - removing all numbers from my phone contacts was a tough but necessary act I felt to get some kind of closure - was isolating and incredibly tough. Like others on here have said, I don't blame them because they are doing this because of the indoctrination that we all had within the cult, but it hurts. It really effing hurts. Four months after I was disfellowshipped, I received a WhatsApp voice message from one of my brothers, telling me that my (non-JW) dad had died. That's the only contact I have had from my PIMI (physically in, mentally in) family in the 2.5yrs since I was disfellowshipped. I know that one of these days, I'll get a message that my elderly PIMI mum is sick, dying or dead. It's totally messed up that I will have to decide whether to go to a funeral because of how triggering it will be to go back into a Kingdom Hall and see family that shun me.

I have two children in their teens. They are told at meetings and conventions that having contact with me makes God sad and so I feel like I'm literally fighting to keep a place in my children's future, even though I've been a good father and provided for them in every possible way. We were taught that shunning people who were disfellowshipped is a reflection of God's love. It's actually emotional blackmail and manipulation of the highest order. It's designed to make people feel so worthless that they will do anything to regain social contact. It's evil and unloving.

l…a
Losing family members although they are alive and well is a kind of tormenting pain impossible to describe. It numbs you against pretty much anything else. It makes life feel unreal. Knowing that you might never have a chance to hug your loved ones again, and they suffer just the same as you, it is awful.

This pain never gets better. It is ten years now, and the fact that I might never see my sister ever again is killing me inside. It has caused me to not have children (wouldn‘t want them to grow up in this mess). I also don‘t feel like having a wedding party if I get married, knowing that she wouldn‘t come to the wedding. If she would die before me, I wouldn‘t get invited to the funeral. I plan to kill myself when I get old so I can protect myself from being in a situation where my closest relatives are shunning me.

I have no words to describe how that feels. I miss her so much, and I know that she misses me as well.

P…o
Anger. I had a problem. I expressed sorrow. I was told I should have spoken to the elders sooner. They didn’t understand the reasons why I didn’t say anything sooner. I started reading the Bible after being disfellowshipped. That’s when I began to realize this was an overreach of discipline. Jesus never meant for things to be handled this way. Then I learned about the bad teachings, false prophecy, a theology driven by money and power. At that point I got extremely angry. And I’ve been mad ever since. It’s okay for them to keep their mistakes or problems quiet. God is fine when they do it. But when I make the same mistake, I get kicked out. The hypocrisy is maddening!!!!!

C…4
Well, shunning is the reason why PIMOs (physically in, mentally out) exists in the first place. You realize that what you were led to believe was not true, but you cannot express your doubts or choose to leave. If you do, then you are shunned, your family and friends stop talking to you. So for many of us, the only option is to fake it.

Being disfellowshipped is a public humiliation. The Spanish Inquisition would put ridiculous customs and hats to sinners and made them wear those all the time or have people parade through the streets in those ridiculous outfits. They and their families were ostracized from society. Disfellowshipping is the same. They give a public announcement in front of the congregation to cause pain to the person and their family, who are immediately lowered in class in their social group. The effects can be devastating and in many cases permanent. Even after reinstatement.

J…h
Dread. Abandoned

W…4
What follows is, if a dream, a nightmare, if a movie, a horror, if real life, something that no one should ever have to experience.

The date is April 24th, 2022 at 9:41am, it's 2⁰C outside, frost on the truck. The exact date and time when my entire family died. I lost both my parents, my eldest sister and her husband. My maternal grandmother, 3 maternal uncles and their wives, 2 paternal aunts and their families. My wife lost her mother and her mother's husband, her eldest sister, with her husband and 2 children. Along with her aunt's, uncles, and cousins. My 2 sons lost their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. At 9:41am they all died, but not only them. Almost everyone we were frie D's with, people that had watched my children grow, held them as babies. They all died at 9:41am on April 24th, 2022.

It is just us now. All these people we lost, it was our entire family, and our entire social support circle. Just gone. Poof. So many people that we would see on a regular basis, even just while out and about, people we knew, see them at stores, say hi, shake hands, a hug, share a coffee, a beer, a laugh. Ask how you are, if you need help with anything, $20 for gas, they were always there to help. All gone.

It's bad, knowing that it happened, but I get up, leave the house, go to the store, and I see someone, someone I know, even though I know they are all gone. Maybe I am dreaming. I smile, nod, a little wave. Nothing. Like I'm not there. I see this person's daughter in a different aisle. She is 10 years old. Grew up playing with my boys, their friend. I smile and nod, say hi. Nothing. It's like I'm invisible. I start to wonder, "is it me that died? My wife, my sons. Are we the ones that have died?" But, no, other people see me, interact. Other customers, store employees, they see me, interact. We are all alive, they are alive. Why can't they see me? I'm right here. Right fucking here. But they can't see me anymore.

Is this a dream? Nightmare? Movie? Horror? I go to sleep, I wake up, days go by, months. I see these people here and there. Always the same, I am invisible, my wife is invisible, my children are invisible.

Oh fuck! This is real life.

This is what it is to be shunned when you have been a part of the Jehovah's Witness cult and decide to leave for any reason.

r…y
Guilt, shame, fear, suicide, anger, ptsd.

1…o
Worthless, unforgiven, unloved, doomed, rejected, Alone, heartbroken, suicidal, depressed, abandoned. I'm just faded out after 45 years in but shunned.

o…4
For me I thought I was prepared to be shunned, but when it actually happened it was so surreal and it really cut to the heart.

Shortly after this first shunning encounter (honestly can’t remember who the JW member was that shunned me) but because of it, I made the spur of the moment to leave that town for the big city and thankfully it made everything a whole lot bearable and gave me time to heal and see life outside of the Borg, went on to enrol in University and travel the world…

i…s
Honestly.... I felt relief. I didn't have to practically kill myself trying to be enough anymore. No one was in my face anymore. Being left alone in public has been great. They avoid me. I don't have to do any hard work to avoid them.

I'm relieved they are afraid of apostates. I'm relieved they won't ever try to talk to me and know that is they do I can make them turn white and run, just by saying I'm apostate. I'm relieved that I'm not subject to their weekly criticisms, and their faux brotherly affection. I'm relieved that I don't have to ever worry about them coming near me.

I might be shunned by them, but that's a huge blessing. In the cult you never get downtime. You're always "on." The pressure is unreal in the congregations. I don't have any of those unreal, and unrealistic pressures on me. I can breathe!!

I'm glad they shun me. I'm glad they're scared of me. They're the ones who made me this way, and they are ashamed to admit that they're gigantic failures in anything loving. I'm glad they blame me for their problems. Let them. Pride comes before a fall. Their words, not mine.

y…7
I disassociated in 1998 after unsuccessfully attempting to fade the previous 2 years. My primary emotions were anger because I had been lied to and manipulated, I lost my childhood to this cult and I mistreated family and friends because the cult told me to. I also felt extremely relieved because I no longer had the burden of going to the meetings and conventions. I realized I had the choice to live how I wanted, even retaining some of the JW lifestyle if I wanted to (still not a drinker/smoker to this day) but I didn't have to be compelled to, or threatened with whatever consequences if I did x y or z.

S…g
I chose to resign, or as JWs call it disassociate, from the organisation. I thought I was mentally prepared for the shunning, but to be cast as a bad person for doing nothing wrong does take its toll. This is especially so when it’s family. The one having its biggest impact on me is the threat of my own children shunning me once they leave my home - the recent videos of the daughter shunning her mum and effectively saying she has replacements at the hall really cut me. The organisation is encouraging psychological abuse of those who have left as some sort of deterrent which they masquerade as a loving provision. I have been told more than once that it was my choice and my fault that I was facing that. I love my kids and don’t want to imagine a time when they wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me, but you also have to be true to yourself and your values. What the organisation encourages is inhumane.

L…d
I know at least one man who committed suicide, either as JW or directly after being disfellowshipped or disciplined. It was a shock to everyone. Unfortunately, I don't remember any other details, because at the same time I also struggled with suicidal ideation because of discovering that I was gay and trans. That was a direct result of the JW policies, because I was worried that even if people knew I would never "practice homosexuality" or express anything other than being a cisgender woman, my family would cut me off and I would no longer be allowed contact with them, especially my younger brother who still lived at home.

l…e
It's funny this question pops up today because my husband and I were just talking about this last night because my situation is affecting me in a really negative way all of a sudden.

I live in the in between world where I'm a loophole. I'm faded never disfellowshipped or disassociated so by loophole my family can associate with me. Being a loophole is exhausting. It's like that faded world is no longer a safe & comfortable place for me. A couple weeks ago I was visiting my parents when they told me that if my daughter, their only grand daughter, got married they wouldn't be attending the wedding (her father & bonus mom are disfellowshipped). Those words sent me into a tailspin of anger, hate, sadness, & regret. It felt like a switch.

Now this loophole world I live in feels like a cage. Like I'm acceptable as long as I behave and don't cause waves. But the second I do then it all goes away. I told my husband that I don't know how to be their daughter anymore. They act as if nothing was said. Its business as usual but for me, it's really not.

I've been preparing myself since I was 10 years old that one day my family would choose religion over me but with these emotions it's like I never prepared for anything. Maybe it's because it was about my daughter and not just about me. You're hurting my kid & in my world that's a punishable offense with steep unforgiving penalties.

c…a
When I got disfellowshipped, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. When I saw my father’s face immediately after the judicial committee, I felt pity because he looked devastated. After being shunned, I waver between acceptance and frustration, but mostly acceptance.

s…9
This may be similar for others. For me, at first I was hurt even though I knew it was coming, hurts losing all your friends. Then comes the phase where you work through it and allow yourself to feel the feels, and finally came acceptance, moving on. Currently I’m in a zen mode when it comes to it. I honestly feel sorry for them. It’s not easy being a witness and I see the sadness in their eyes. Life now is good! Have new hobbies, travel more, and actually live life. Currently trying to expand my social circle. You have to put yourself out there. Nobody is going to do it but yourself.

L…o
I was disfellowshipped after fading and living my own life for 2 years. Foolishly, went to the Judicial Committee they asked my PIMI parent to tell me about.

I was only 19 and the elders always locked the door behind them when we went into the back rooms. I felt fearful being locked in there with 3 men I'd had no communication with for 2 years, and for the first time without my parent present.

But greater than that fear of the unknown was the dread of knowing my family would suffer due to having a disfellowshipped family member and that I'd lose access to my 6 younger siblings, and the formerly close relationship I had with my parent.

I've been alienated ever since. 25 years of being treated as an after-thought...when I'm thought of at all. And most communication being death notice text messages.

The good part is only 1 of my younger siblings is still in. The rest left and 4 never got baptized after my disfellowshipping. The youngest declared himself an atheist before he was an adult and easily stopped attending meetings. My parent kept minimal contact due to my having children, but recently I determined that's inadequate for my emotional/psychological needs and I allow my kids as much access to their grandparent as they want, and I just abstain.

Since letting go of that relationship my life has been so much better. I no longer have to censor what I talk about or the language I use for fear of offending my parent and having them withdraw completely. I can always be myself, which is much healthier and leads to greater happiness.

i…7
SO. MUCH. SHAME.

I was so embarrassed every time I had to walk into the kingdom hall and see my best friend refuse to look my way. Desperation for a glance from my grandparents and aunts & uncles when they visited. Embarrassment when I had to clean up my little sister in the bathroom after she peed herself when my mom was home sick and my dad was working sound. Embarrassment when I didn't know if I was allowed to go in the cleaning closet. When I was under the sink in the bathroom cleaning up piss, praying that no one would walk in and not be able to speak to me so I could explain. Having to walk in front of everyone to get my things, but worried I'm bringing to much attention to myself. Far too much shame than a 19 year old girl should ever have to go through.

And that was only a six month disfellowshipping. I got back in quick. It was a whole different story 3 years later when I woke up and left. Seeing people I grew up with in the grocery store, catching them staring at my boyfriend and me. Seeing them typing a long text on their phone while continually glancing up at me. Knowing that text is about me. Leave me alone and let me live my life without shame you motherfuckers!

s…z
Not having been disfellowshipped but would like to throw in that the social coercion while in the congregation has devastating effects on people, and you might want to toss something in, a one liner about that or whatever... get people thinking. There is shunning that is pre-disfellowshipping, and when a group is (supposed to be) your whole life, they are literally crippling your life and removing an individual's ability to thrive by all the coercion that goes on inside when you're in good standing.

Answer: it's absolutely dehumanizing and isolating and damages an individual’s ability to thrive and potentials to be living their best life.

J…9
It bothered me for the first couple of years. After that I said F’em! Me not being in their lives, is their loss not mine. I have met several friends who care for me unconditionally.

L…3
I lost my unborn child and was disfellowshipped the same week. I cried my eyes out. The shunning made me depressed for a few months until I got married.

A…5
Children in schools learn more about kindness and treating people fairly than JWs who are taught and practice blind hatred ie shun someone because Watchtower labels them as disfellowshipped. Schools have documented anti-bullying and anti-harassment policies. What does Watchtower have? Books and articles that actually tell you how to abuse people e.g shun, avoid, ignore them purely on the basis of a Watchtower assigned label???

a…d
Two months of insomnia and PTSD. Still have frequent nightmares and wake up sweating like I was in a war. All that and I’m reinstated (PIMO) so yeah disfellowshipping and shunning destroys your mental health.

H…l
It cut like a knife. A rusty old blade. Or, it felt like the elders were operating on me with a spoon. It's inhumane and should be shown to the whole world for what it is: torture. I'm sorry to say that I won't feel inclined to help any of the boys on my JC if ever I see them choke.

D…e
This is an interesting yet sad experience to share. Well, to create awareness I am ready to share my experience I hope my story makes a difference.

I live in Ghana (West Africa) a 3rd generation of JW's. Before being disfellowshipped I was in a mental wreck because I had been diagnosed with Depression, PTSD, and Anxiety Disorder because of my history of child sex abuse.

My world was shattered. I had no worldly pals. Family, or friends, you had known for years shunned you. I felt betrayed, I blamed myself, I lost self-esteem, was ashamed, and in isolation my traumas resurfaced, and I was left to deal with it alone and that was the worst part. For me that discipline did not work for me or everyone.

The 2nd time, I was pregnant when I was told I would be disfellowshipped. The joy I had of being a 1st-time mom all vanished, and was reminded of the 1st experience. Again, I found myself a mental wreck panicking, in fear, and depressed. I reached out to my Mental Health Officer, and he also in turn reached out to the lead elder because of my history of suicide and the life's involved...that fell on deaf ears. As I sat before these elders I felt dead, I had no reason to live... I had my rope in my bag going over the plan and time to get up and go kill myself with my unborn child. ...this should give you a clear picture of how the fear of being disfellowshipped had on my mental well-being. It changed me from a happy mom to a sad, bitter, depressed, panicky, traumatized MOM. I HATE HOW IT AFFECTED MY MENTAL WELL-BEING.

v…2
I’m a delivery driver and last week one of my stops was an elder I had known most of my life. He answered the door and took the package, but didn’t acknowledge that he knew me. (Maybe he didn’t recognize me with dyed hair and a nose ring) but it still hurt way more than I expected.

M…_
I talked to someone in the receiving end of shunning. It was described as stabbing the heart.

S…7
I was relieved! I had been PIMO for many years and finally left as the time was right owing to a number of circumstances. Interestingly there were some from the congregation who still spoke to me. One sister approached me and asked if I’d consider returning. I tried to be kind answering as I knew her to be sincerely concerned. She apparently told the elders that she tried to encourage me and was severely reprimanded. She told me and said she would not talk to me any more. I felt just compassed for her.

J…2
I attempted suicide twice as a baptized JW.

Once at age 19 after moving in with roommates, when I told my parents I was gonna be disfellowshipped and needed to come home they said okay, then called me back and said they changed their mind. I stopped the suicide when I started losing sensation in my fingers and tongue.

Once at age 25 when I realized how loveless my marriage was and decided I couldn’t get divorced “and do that to my friends and family (meaning getting disfellowshipped, again)”. My ex-wife found me unconscious and saved my life.

D…I
I too have experienced suicide ideation since I was disfellowshipped 2.5yrs ago. I am rebuilding my life, but due to the isolation and the various emotions surrounding my disfellowshipping (I went to the elders asking for help and was treated so harshly) I frequently think about ending things. I could never follow through on the thoughts, because my two children and my current partner would be devastated and however much pain I'm feeling, I can't do that to them.

W…7
My very good friend took her life in 2019. She had been disfellowshipped for about a month. She was attending meetings and trying to come back in. She was 28.