Free Girl 2006
I was raised "in the faith" for most of my life. My mother married an elder when I was 1 1/2 years old. He came from a family of pedophiles (also JW's) and I was a pet project. My mother allowed him to physically, mentally & sexually abuse me and my siblings because she was trying to be a "good Christian wife". Whatever that means? The creepo was not disfellowshipped when it came to light what he was doing. Mom and I were informed that he could not possibly be guilty since he cried. It was such a traumatic experience to be 10 years old and forced to tell three men (without your mother in the room) what had been done to me in detail. The question they kept repeating--"Are you sure it was not just affection?" I don't know too many sane people who mistake rape for affection.
I still stuck it out with the organization for 20 more years because I believed in most of the teachings and it was what I knew. I married a fellow-believer. What a joke. The marriage was a disaster from day one. I became very depressed and I felt trapped. I was in a marriage with a man who would not perform sexually very often. I had no where to turn...the elders were full of ridicule because I continued to work after the marriage instead of pioneering. My lack of spirituality was pointed to as the root cause of the marital issues. My mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and my life continued to spiral down. I became ill with endometriosis which mimics ovarian cancer. I was frantic with worry, I became bed-ridden and I could not make it to the bathroom most days without crawling and being hopped up on pain pills. No one in the congregation cared, no elders came by or called. I tried to do the phone tie-in, but the Nazi who oversaw that started giving me a hard time if I missed his phone call. I begged the elders to please help me, but it was to no avail.
I got even more depressed when I listened in on the meetings and got to listen to prayers asking for Jehovah to be with Elder X because he was sick or Pioneer Y because she lost her parent. No mention ever made of me. Up to the point of getting ill, I was faithful in meeting attendance, field service, etc. I finally got a "shepherding" call and I told them how hurt I was to be ignored and left to flounder. I was told that it was my fault for not making the meetings. My fault I guess that I got sick. Mom died and the support was underwhelming. My marriage continued to disintegrate. I had 4 surgeries and not one visit, not one announcement made. The hubby and I asked for some counseling on our marriage. We were told that we should take a long weekend and spend some time together. No scriptures were read. I again mentioned how alone I was, how depressed. I was told that I could not possibly expect anyone in the congregation to care about someone who is on the fringe of the congregation. I walked out of the room and locked myself in the bedroom until they left. I made us an appointment for a real marriage counselor and of course, that was frowned upon.
I continued to struggle with feelings of worthlessness and loneliness. At this point in time I was on 40 different drugs just to help me function in some capacity. The drugs clouded my judgment and I did some stupid things, but I kept those stupid things to myself. Last year the stupid things caught up with me and I had a complete nervous breakdown, tried to commit suicide, and was committed. My "dear" hubby insisted I tell the elders about my stupidity because it bothered his conscience. He pressured me constantly while I was trying to recover from the breakdown. I had another meltdown and this time I was almost successful in my suicide. The dear hubby went to the elders and guess what? They announced I was in the mental hospital. Wasn't that kind of them? From there on, the pressure became so intense from the hubby that I called an elder and gave a brief blip of my "sins". No details, just a brief I did this. I was hounded for 6 months to meet with them and confess. I almost had another breakdown on the night they thoughtfully schedule a committee meeting when the hall was packed with service and book studies. I did not go in. I left and tried to maintain a shred of sanity. I kept refusing to meet and my therapist warned the hubby to back them off because I was still fragile. The slimy husband told them who knows what, but it must not have been good or in my defense. These jerks disfellowshipped me in May despite the fact that I was
- repentant and
- rectified my mistake 100%
- was still suicidal.
They disfellowshipped me because I would not meet with them. You have to love the new announcements where they make it sound like the person left because he wanted to. My family dropped me like a hotcake. They knew the full story and still they abandoned me. I left the jerky hubby and that religion for good. This is a religion that prides itself on true brotherly love, but only when it is convenient and beneficial for the select few in the organization.
The hypocrisy makes me ill. Frankly, my life has been happier since I was kicked out. I have recovered from my breakdowns. I have made some really good friends--people who would be labeled wicked by the organization. They have been there for me more than anyone in the congregation ever was. I don't feel stressed out any longer. I may die at Armageddon, but I will take that over letting some unloving Nazi elders run my life with nary a care for the damage they inflict. I only want god as my judge, not some power hungry pricks.
I just want to put this behind me and rid myself of the bitterness. I miss my family, but they have made their choice. I only get to see my nieces when they visit their disfellowshipped father, but at least I get to see them. Thanks for letting me share my story without being labeled an apostate, liar, or troublemaker.